Hitting the Stump

I have never meant for this blog to be one of the many political blogs that now proliferate the internet. While I may hold certain political views, I have always endeavored to dwell upon more important topics, such as hair, dancing typhoons, Chinese legends, and grapes. These are the topics that the majority of people around the world want to delve into, and fortunately, these are the topics on which I am most qualified to speak. However, my world seems to be now engulfed in elections, so I feel compelled to turn this blog's gaze upon the more trivial matter of politics. Yes, in a few days average man and woman will, by the press of a button, help to shape the course of world events. This is the time when you and I can let our voices be heard. I guess it does have its serious side. Who knows what the ramifications of our choices will be? With the state of the world as I write, these elections may be the most important in our lifetime. If I remember correctly, there are also some elections going on in America.

I am all fired up about the elections that will soon take place here in Taiwan. I have no idea who is running for what. In the end, it really doesn't matter. What really matters is the process of electing people and that we as responsible citizens get fully behind a candidate and use this time to express our stand on the issues dearest to us. I have found that the essence of running for office isn't much different here in Taiwan than back in the States. There are men and women making opaque promises and then demonizing their opponents for making what amounts to the same opaque promises. I find this to be the truly brilliant part of politics. Absolutely anyone can be a politician. Just promise something in a convincing tone and then condemn whatever comes out of the other guy's mouth.

In a campaign what really matters is how you get your "message" out there. Here in Taiwan, tissue packets are a popular way of doing this. Over the last few weeks, my mailbox has been filled with these packets. This is timely since it is getting colder and more people are getting sick. We will spend this fall blowing our noses all over candidates' platforms. I stated earlier that the essence of running for office is the same here as in the States. Nothing shows this more than the pictures of the candidates that found on these packets. There is, of course, the mandatory steely eyed look that shows this particular candidate has a determined eye on the future. Not to make the candidate appear too harsh, though, there is also the picture of him with a caring look while holding a little child. The combination of these two pictures assure us that he will be able to lovingly carry us into the future.

Another campaign approach that is popular here is to hire small trucks or even scooters with loudspeakers attached. These vehicles roam the streets blaring out the soothing tones of various candidates telling us why we should put them in office. I have a deep appreciation for these recordings, though I haven't an inkling as to what they say. Every time one passes me by I fill the air with hearty shouts of anger or approbation. I have ardently campaigned for these candidates on street corners. I have pleaded with passersby. I have cajoled old ladies and little children into supporting one person or another. I am just trying to do my part.

Having said that, my efforts in this campaign have left me feeling like I have not done quite enough. In a word, I feel empty. Thus, I have decided to throw my hat in the ring. I know it may be a little late in the game, but I think I might just have a chance. The reason I believe I have a chance is because I believe that the hard working people of this country will believe in a man who believes in something. And what I believe in is values. Of course, my opponents will say that they stand for values too, but no one is really sure which values they are talking about. Let me be perfectly clear about my values. I stand for the good values. What values are those, you ask? Let me be clear about this. When I say good values, I mean the values that the hard working people of this country hold to. I will work hard to preserve these values. I pledge to give you back your country. By my hard work, I will show you that I understand you--the hard working people of this country. This is what sets me apart and what makes me the only choice in this election; I believe in values and hard work. And I believe in you--the hard working people of this country. Now I ask you to believe in me, and when you believe in me you are really just believing in yourselves. You are believing in the hard working people of this country! You are believing in the values that you believe in! You are believing in getting this country back on track! You are believing in taking the power back from politicians and putting it in the hands of the hard working people of this country! Vote for yourselves by voting for me! Vote for your children! Vote for values! Vote for (insert mascot of your favorite team)!

Of course my opponent doesn't believe in anything. He is a nihilist. He doesn't believe in values. He doesn't believe in the hard working people of this country. He used to be a part of a secret cultic society bent on taking over the world, but he doesn't even believe that anymore. That was too much work for him. He has no character. I guess he doesn't believe in prosperity, either, because if he is elected no one will have any money. Our children will starve, and they will all come down with a new and deadly strain of influenza. So let's make sure he isn't elected! Don't vote for the devil! Vote for yourselves--the hard working people of this country!

This won't be my first foray into politics. Some of you will remember that I almost became governor of the State of South Carolina a few years ago. That was all quite by accident, however, and this time I am in dead earnest. If I could just figure out which country I want to hold office in.

Wherever I wind up running, one of the most prominent planks in my platform will be bringing back the things that once made us great but now lay inexplicably discarded by the wayside. For example, I will push through a bill that will put the dimmer switch back on the floorboard of your vehicle. Just this week during my school's Halloween spelling bee (because nothing says Halloween like a spelling bee) I realized another loss our society has sustained. We all had to dress up in costumes, and not wanting to spend any money on said costume, I raided the school's Halloween box and came away with a Viking hat with a wig attached and a red cape. Now, Vikings have gone by the wayside and that is indeed a loss in some ways. However, the real societal loss that this costume revealed to me is that of the cape. There was a time when capes and cloaks were all the rage, but some dull witted generation ditched them. These people are in the running for the title of "The Worst Generation." Every respectable gentleman should be able to wear a cape and rapier on the street. Once upon a time men were men. Once upon a time men wore capes. Let us return to these times. I will take us there (I now have a steely-eyed determined look). I will do this for our children (understanding, caring look). Follow me.

Haircut

I was once a little boy with hair. That is a true statement. It is also true that I never gave serious thought to my hair. All I knew about my hair was that on occasion Mom would give me a haircut, and on these occasions she would invariably make the comment, "T.J., you have a great head of hair!" She would then proceed to cut the bulk of it off. Most people, upon having such accolades poured regularly upon their heads, would grow justifiably vain of their locks. I never fell prey to such vanity. The praise was, after all, coming from my mother, and mothers are notoriously biased when it comes to their children's tresses. Even after developing a particularly admirable patch of white hair, though, I abstained from growing fond or careful of my hair. I consider this to be a rather remarkable part my identity.

I feel that it is in no way contradictory to follow this statement of carelessness as to the quality of my hair with the admission that it is a matter of concern to me where I get my haircut. It may be, in fact, that the reason I care about where I get my haircut is because I care little for my hair. Cutting my own hair is not an option. That would be spending too much time on my own hair. I am a barber shop guy. I want to get my haircut to the classic sound of Merle Haggard while sitting under the constant, unwavering gaze of an eight-pointer hung on the wall. I want to exchange lies with the barber about our most recent fishing trips. I want to get a get a Coke from a fifty year old Coke machine when the shearing is done. Most of all, and this is an absolute must, I want to refrain from even the slightest hint of any conversation about hair during the entire time I am at the barber shop. It is largely for this reason that I hate going to hair salons. There is nothing good about a hair salon. I have no desire to have some guy running his hands through my hair and talking about "possibilities." If I can't have a barber shop, I prefer to take steps such as going to church during the week and having the church secretary do the shearing. This was my course of action throughout college (for those of you who don't know me, yes, I went to college).

Why, you ask, am I spilling so much figurative ink over my preferences of the setting in which the hair is taken off the old noggin? Well, a couple of days I had a new haircutting experience here in Taipei. I went to a tiny place near a night market where one may find three dollar haircuts. The haircutee approaches the emporium and deposits a hundred NT bill into a machine that then spits out a ticket with a number printed on it. Ticket in hand, he stands patiently on the street until his number is called. At this time he enters the establishment and spends about 10 seconds inside before exiting with a fresh new outlook on life. Yes, these barbers are quite efficient. The barber's sheet barely has time settle down before it is whisked off again. In those few seconds, follicles are severed and then sucked up by a shop vac that is waved a few times over the head. One might think that they would leave a mangled mess on top of their victims' heads. This isn't, I don't think, the case; though in keeping with my usual attitude towards my hair, I haven't given to much thought to the quality of its post-haircut state. I wasn't in the shop long enough to be sure, but as far as I could tell, there was no Haggard in the air, deer on the wall, or Coke machine near the door. This is not optimal haircutting conditions, but there was also no time for talking about "possibilities." Thus, it was an acceptable place in which to leave part of yourself behind.

In other news, a typhoon has found Taiwan to be rather intriguing and has engaged in an elaborate dance with the island. It rushed past once and then decided that Taiwan might just be worth a second look. Since then it seems to be making some sort of ceremonial step around the island. Somehow the typhoon has decided that the best way to win Taiwan's heart is to pour out incessant and unceasing rain on it. The typhoon is wrong. It has been raining for a week now, and Taiwan is tired of it. Stop making a pest of yourself, Megi. Take a hint and go away now.

Sun Moon Lake Trip

This past weekend took me to Sun Moon Lake. This celestial pool is located in central Taiwan and is generally esteemed for its beautiful setting. It is nestled at the feet of Taiwan's low but sharp central mountains. Upon first hearing of this lake, one is curious as to the origins of its name. The story is straightforward enough. Years ago in a time of peace and harmony, the tribal people lived in concert with nature and gave themselves to the enjoyable pursuits of farming and head hunting. One day, however, a rather annoying event occurred; the sun did not come out. Equally annoying was the fact that the moon did come out that night either. It seems that a dragon had eaten both of these celestial bodies. This was unfortunate. After a while, the villager found that their crops wouldn't grow. They also discovered that hunting heads was much more difficult in the thick, heavy darkness that ruled the world. Finally, one young, loving couple, who were for some reason running around under the sobriquets DaJianGe and ShuiSheJie (henceforth Ge and Jie), decided to undertake the restoration of both sun and moon to their rightful places. In the course of their travels in search of the sun and moon, they discovered that the offending dragon lived in the bottom of a deep lake. For a while they were unsure of how to proceed, but then they stumbled upon the aged wise person that is required for every such story. This sage matron informed Ge and Jie that the dragon would die if they threw the golden scissors and golden ax into the lake. This seemed reasonable enough to Ge and Jie, so they went in search of the lethal objects. The search proved successful and the objects proved lethal. The problem now lie in getting the sun and moon back to the sky. Enter sage matron once again. If Ge and Jie would eat the dragon's eyeballs, she said, then they would grow tall and strong. This also seemed reasonable to the two, and they ate the eyeballs. Indeed, they grew tall and strong, and they tried hurling the sun and moon back into the sky, but these bodies just would not stick. Enter sage matron yet again. She suggested using two giant palm trees near the lake to help prop up the sun and moon. This too seemed reasonable enough for Ge and Jie, and they put the sun and moon on the palm trees and lifted them up into the sky. Finally, the sun and moon stuck in their places and everything returned to normal. Ge and Jie remained by the lake to make sure the sun and moon did not fall again. Eventually they turned into two mountains that can now be seen by the lake. To commemorate this event, the tribal people initiated celebrations, the highlight of which is what one source of mine calls "The Holding Ball Dance." Some people are skeptical of the whole story because they do not believe that a dragon could swallow the sun and the moon. Such skepticism is ridiculous. Many is the time I have seen the sun and moon look smaller than a quarter. Besides, I have seen the two mountains with my own eyes.

I went down to the Sun Moon Lake area with a good friend. While down there, we decided to visit the Formosa Aboriginal Culture Village Amusement Park. I was quite excited about this part of the trip. In an age when many of the downtrodden and oppressed people groups of the world have been given their dues (not including a certain brother of mine), I was pleased to hear that Taiwan's aboriginal people were being recognized with a theme park. I was particularly anxious to personally visit this ode to the Native Taiwanese people because I have Native American blood coursing through my veins. It was a perfect opportunity, I thought, to show our support for our brothers on this island.

Just before my friend and I entered the park, I found a place to change into my loin cloth and moccasins. Thus accoutered, I proceeded directly to a man wearing the colorful garb of a Taiwanese tribesman. I addressed him in this manner:

How! Me travel over great lake from land of tall wikiups! Me come smoke um up peace pipe with Taiwanese brothers! Extend um right hand of fellowship, show um solidarity! Me son of Bald Turtle Buddy and Squawking Dove Susan. Bald Turtle great brave many many moons ago. Squawking Dove great squaw. Have um up many sons, make um up great teepee. Me, you now go on heap big hunt. Kill um water buffalo. Then we go on warpath. I take um scalps, you take um rest of head. Later we go to heap big gambling wigwam, win um wampum!

As I was thus expressing my support, my friend who had accompanied me to the park built a fire and began to do a traditional dance around it. I had not anticipated this, but I found it truly inspiring. There was nothing for me to do but drag my new native friend a few laps around the fire myself.

So far everything was going beautifully. I decided it was time to take the next step. I loudly announced:

We make um up unwavering, indestructible concord! We make um blood brothers!

I then whipped out my knife and was in the process of drawing blood from my new native friend's hand when the whole thing came to an abrupt halt. I was viciously attacked by several men in uniforms and thrown from the park. This behavior seems rather inexplicable at first, but upon further reflection I realized what had taken place. The uniformed men were members of a tribe that was at odds with my new friend's tribe. The pact between my tribe and my friend's tribe would have signaled a shift in power, spelling great danger for the uniformed tribe. I will not be put off by their rough tactics, however. I am now seeking to once again open up channels of communication with my new friend, ensuring him that I will bring many a tomahawk in his tribe's defense in their time of need.

Overall, it was a great weekend. I finally got to a place where I didn't at least feel like I was in Taipei. Mountains, lakes, amusement parks, and friends seems to be a winning weekend combination. Try it sometime. Just look out for uniformed people.

The Plan

There are times in the course of human events when the human for whom the events are coursing is faced with identity forming moments. These moments shape how people will view us for the rest of our lives, or more jarringly, how we will view ourselves for the rest of our lives. I faced on of these moments this week. There are two roads that can that can be taken when one is faced with one of these moments (I would suggest taking the road less travelled by); one may dash heedlessly down the road of panic, or one may, with firm and confident step, stride down the road of courage. I was faced with one of these moments this past week. It was a moment when my identity as "a native English speaking person who is capable of teaching his or her language to Chinese children living in Taipei" hung in the balance. Of course, this is an essential part of anyone's identity, and we have all questioned how we would fare if we were forced to determine the matter once and for all, just as we have wondered whether, with a gun pointed at our faces, we would stand true to our belief or we would cave and don that Florida Gators jersey. Parent demos were this past week, and I knew going in that this go a long way in determining whether or not I was capable of teaching English here in Taipei. Of course, you are asking which road I took. Did I panic or did I stand strong? Well, I did neither; I cheated and pulled out the magic lesson plan.

The magic lesson plan was shown me by a coworker at school. He took me down to a dark cave and initiated me into The Circle of the White Moon English Teacher's Society. As a member, I was given this magic lesson plan. This lesson plan contains all the elements that please those who need to be pleased. All I needed to do was to follow the plan and success was guaranteed. That was easier said that done, however, for I forgot to factor in the dark power of nerves. They attacked, causing me to say things like "Good morning, class" at 4:00 o'clock in the afternoon. These wicked powers did not stop there, but pressed on causing me to forget key elements of the magic lesson plan's incantation (i.e. activities in the plan). It didn't help that I, thinking that it would impress the society, made significant changes and adaptations to the magic lesson plan in order to have it fit more to my teaching style. This is good in theory, but it requires that one first actually have a teaching style. Thus, I wound up confused as to what I was doing at times. "Let's play a game, kids...No, wait, let's read now...Hold on, that comes later...let's work on some spelling...Um, let's all go home." What these evil nerves did not take into account, though, is the fact that I cut a mighty pathetic figure when I am confused and nervous. I somehow compel sympathy from all who view these spectacles. With a great tide of sympathy sweeping o'er the room, then, I was able to get past the demos.

On a more serious note, I would like to note that I really am getting to like my kids a lot. They are great. I have a good job, and am looking forward to getting better at it. My kids make the job easy to like.

I got my health insurance card this week too. Taiwan has a nationalized health insurance program. Believe it or not, it actually works really well. You can do whatever you want with that information. What is really important about me receiving my insurance card was the revelation that came from realizing I was born in 1971. The Chinese have a different calendar than the one that we use in the West. They are eleven years behind us. My insurance card states that I was born eleven years before I was actually born. At first this is disheartening, as it would seem that I am already 39 years old. Then, I realized that I was looking at the problem from the wrong direction. Right now it is 1999 here in Taiwan. This means that I am now living eleven years ago. I feel like I get to go back to when I was 17. This explains why, as I mentioned in an earlier blog, the people here all look so young. They are all living back in time. So for those of you who want to turn back the clock a little bit, you should come visit me here. I would only suggest this line of action, however, for those of you who are over the age of eleven. I am not sure what would happen to a five year old child who chanced to venture this way.

(For any philosophers who happen upon this blog, I am well aware that I played fast and loose with the term "identity" in the first part. What I am not sure of is why the heck you're reading this blog.)