Touch Your Heart

Being something of a tropical island, it is in Taiwan's best interest to promote itself as a desirable tourist destination to those who find the idea spending time on a tropical island desirable. After all, Taiwan is a beautiful place. When it was discovered by Portuguese explorers in the sixteenth century, they draped over it the romantic title Ilha Formosa. Translated into English, this name is equally subtle and romantic--Beautiful Island. Due to Taiwan's tropical and beautiful nature, you will soon notice an intense advertising campaign designed to whisk you away from your comfortable homes on your next summer vacation and drop you into the burning bath of Taiwanese humidity. The good citizens of Glencoe, Minnesota have no doubt already noticed the striking new billboard over Pete's Paint & Pizza. It prominently features a group of three Taiwanese people with huge, gaping smiles. If one did not know better, one would think they are screaming in anger at some poor soul picking up a pizza. However, we are able to deduce that they are actually well pleased with life on a tropical island by the fact that two of the three have positioned their tightly balled fists directly below their chins and have thrust both thumbs high into the air. The third had tried to follow suit, but had been unable to resist the natural Taiwanese instinct to flash peace signs when taking a picture. Under the picture is this enticing plea:

Traveling At Taiwan!

Wonderfulness of beauty pleasure!

Tread in nice beeches [sic]! Swim on a shiny ocean!

Participate in lush vegetables! Throw down in palatable fruits!

Do not think that the fine folk of Glencoe will be the only be people to have their town graced with these masterpieces. I am told that in the next few weeks the the residents of Monowi, Nebraska; Yachats, Oregon; and Bucksnort, Tennessee can expect to enjoy the fruits of the Taiwan's tourism bureau soon.

Of course, no place can expect to draw hordes of visitors if it does not first concoct a catchy slogan. In this particular endeavor Taiwan has succeeded. Liberally scattered about the island are signs containing the name Taiwan colorfully splashed across the top. Under the name we find the phrase "Touch Your Heart." The real beauty of this slogan is that no one can be quite sure what it means. To name a couple of options, it may be either a declaration (Taiwan will touch your heart) or an injunction. When I first arrived in Taiwan, I took it to be the latter. Upon seeing the slogan, I would immediately place my hand over my heart in a reverential manner. Standing thus, I felt a strong urge to lustily belt out an anthem to the country. So great was this urge that, not knowing a Taiwanese anthem, I made one up and proclaimed it to the world. It followed roughly these lines:

Taiwan forever,

Standing in the sea!

We will cease never

To sing our praise to thee!

These lines were sung repeatedly to a tune that vaguely resembled both the CIU alma mater and the Russian national anthem. This seemed to be in the general spirit of anthems and relieved the pressure I was under to sing.

When these lines spontaneously burst forth from my lips, I had no idea what a hit they would become. After touching my heart and singing praises before numerous signs throughout the Taipei, the song caught on, and it is now enjoying its fourth straight week atop the charts with no sign of decreasing in popularity any time soon. During the recent election cycle, every candidate made the song a prominent part of their truck and scooter announcements that they paraded around the city(The elections are over now, by the way. Thank you for your support. I was elected to some post. I think I am now a county coroner, but I am not quite sure yet.). I am working on a techno version now that should go down in annals of music history as one of best pieces ever. They will never stop playing it in Eastern Europe.

However, a recent revelation has changed how I view the "Touch Your Heart" slogan. I now think it might be a declaration. The revelation came in the form of another slogan I found on a bike rental shop. This particular shop allows customers for a small fee to enjoy a jolly spin around the city on cheap bikes. The proprietors woo potential customers with the line "Fun The City!" At first I took this to be another injunction in which the noun "fun" had been changed into an imperative verb. Thus, it would carry the weight of a command for passersby to enjoy the town. After a moment's reflection, however, I realized that it was not an injunction but a declaration. It was a shortened version of the statement "You can have fun in the city." This makes sense. Taiwan is a small island with about 459,000,000 people and 510,000,000 scooters. Space is at a premium. The inhabitants of the island have learned how to economize space at every turn, even in their slogans. Why use seven words when you can use only three? Such is the brilliance of Taiwan. "Touch Your Heart", then, is a shortened version of "Taiwan Will Touch Your Heart." Heck, it might even be a shortened version of "Taiwan, The Beautiful Island, Will Touch Your Heart If You Come And Visit Us And Trod Upon Our Beeches." The genius of this ability to say so much with so few words should attract more visitors that ever. Who knows what all they are really saying with all that is written on their billboards?

Keep all of this in mind this year when you tune in to the Visittaiwan(touchyourheart)andleaveallyourmoney.com Bowl. I think it will feature a thrilling matchup between Dartmouth and Western New Mexico University (Go Mustangs!). The real highlight of the game, though, will be the mandatory halftime interview with the president of the bowl game.

Sideline reporter: Mr. President, why did you decide to get involved with a bowl game?

President of bowl: We is happy happy to has a bowl! Very Good! Come Taiwan! Have much bowls! Many funs! Tootle about in tropicalness of beauteous island!

Sideline reporter: I'm sure you're happy to have these two fine institutions in this game, and it has certainly been a fine game so far. What message would like to send to them as they go out there in the second half?

President of bowl: Cheer up!

Sideline reporter: Thank you so much. Before we go back to you guys in the booth, the president would like to sing us a song. Mr. President?

President of bowl: Taiwan forevers...

That will be my proudest moment.

Welcome to the Family

It has come to my attention that some people who read this blog have never even met me. This shows that some of my readers have an intense interest in gaining an accurate picture of Taiwan. They have searched high and low for a careful and objective report of life on this island. This search has led them to this blog, which is marked by its factual accuracy and its uncanny ability to stick to relevant aspects of Taiwanese culture. I would like to take the liberty, however, of stepping away from my reporting and introduce myself to those who don't know me.

To really know me, you must first know my family. Let me introduce you to them. We must first go back to the fourteenth century when the first known Thigpen was the Lord High Sheriff of London. This was a time when surnames were still just coming into vogue, and the bearers played fast and loose with the spellings of their names. The Thigpens of yore felt free to spell their names Phippen, Fitzpen, Tippen, or any other variant that they could grab as the mood struck them. Before this time members of the family decorated their given names with fitting adjectives. Thus, at the very tips of the roots of our family tree we find such sobriquets as Alfred the Abashed, Roland the Ridiculous, Bartholomew the Baffled, and Lucius the Lugubrious. Lord High Sheriff Phippen/Fitzpen/Tippen/Thigpen, however, ditched the descriptors in favor something that was a little easier to change the sound and spelling of when necessary and wasn't easy to guess simply by watching his behavior. He was a jovial soul and was well like by Londoners. He was so well loved, in fact, that many of the people enjoyed giving him large sums of money at important times. He was well bred and always felt it incumbent upon himself to give gifts to them in return. Some of his superiors, however, were jealous of his popularity, and they dispatched of him.

None of the immediate descendants of this first Thigpen were sheriffs themselves, but they did have close relationships with sheriffs. It seems that the Thigpen blood was sporting right from the start. These men lived for the hunt. They were also patriotic, considerate, and conscientious men. Not wanting the king's land to be overrun with wildlife, so they took it upon themselves to occasionally cull the forrest of game. They were so fond of hunting that they were not content to be one dimensional sportsmen. Not wanting to be hunters only, they thought it sporting to be the hunted also. They got up with the king's sheriffs set up a nice little game where the Thigpens would hunt the animals and the sheriffs would hunt the Thigpens. It was great fun, and the Thigpens led the sheriffs on a merry chase. It seems that the double duty was too much for many of the Thigpens and the sheriffs won. At least this is my interpretation of the events, since the record of these men ends rather abruptly. The last thing I can find about them is that they died with their heads held high and their feet off the ground. Incidentally, this has been the traditional manner of passing for the most notable of Thigpens.

A number of Thigpens took to the sea in the sixteenth century. The most prominent of the seafaring members of the family was Bart Thigpen. He was an excellent entrepreneur. Bart excelled in what might be called the import/export line of business. He imported merchandise from merchant ships and exported long, sharp, pointed metal sticks and large, heavy, round iron balls. Throughout Bart's career, he kept up a friendly rivalry with one Admiral Clemens. Whenever these men's ships crossed paths they would take to shooting at each other as a way of encouraging each other to hurry on their ways. Eventually, Clemens grew old and crotchety and lost the spirit of the game. In this irritable state, Clemens resorted to low and dastardly tactics; he lay in waiting for Bart one night off a small island that Bart sometimes used as a warehouse for his goods. It was on this island that Bart's life ended in the aforementioned traditional Thigpen fashion.

There has hardly been a war of any size since the fourteenth century that hasn't found a Thigpen fighting bravely. It has not always been the case that the Thigpen was fighting in the war itself, but you may be sure he was fighting somewhere. The world has always been able to count on a Thigpen taking a step when duty calls. Even if a Thigpen was unable to take up arms for some reason, he would still do his part. Take Rufus Thigpen who lived during our American revolution for example. Rufus was unable to join the fight due to a certain spinal condition. Did he stay home, though? Not Rufus. He might well have been known as "The Encourager." At every battle he was right there behind the army giving it bold words of courage. He took care of the baggage, making sure that any goods that a soldier carelessly left behind before going into battle were not lost forever upon the field. Rufus was also useful in case the battle went poorly. He had a special knack for showing the army how to get to safety quickly. Quite a useful fellow, that Rufus. The only mistake he made was when he mixed up some of the goods he was keeping safe and tried to sell a particular trinket to a soldier who had previously been in possession of said trinket. This humorless soldier failed to see the sincere nature of the mistake. Rufus died in the traditional fashion.

There have been some Thigpens who have stepped out of line, so to speak, and brought some dismay to the family. Every family has its black sheep. One such disgrace is the infamous Owen Fitzpen whose life in England spanned the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries. He was a merchant seaman by trade, and somehow did rather well for himself in his own dull, honest way. On one trip, however, he was relieved of his goods by Turkish entrepreneurs in the Mediterranean and was taken aboard their ship. One would think that Owen would now seize the opportunity to go into a legitimate business and join forces with the men who obviously thought highly enough of his capital to relieve him of it. Not Owen. He refused to see a good thing even when it hit him right in the face. Rather, He took on the role of a slave, and for seven years he served in servile servitude. Was he content with his lot in life, though? Not at all. Unlike St. Paul, he was not content with whatever state in which he found himself, and he rebelled against his masters. Not only did he rebel, but he also led ten other Christian captives astray by encouraging them to rebel as well. For three hours these eleven rebellious souls fought against sixty-five well meaning Turkish entrepreneurs. In the end, Owen's forces won the day, and they sailed the ship to Spain. There he was offered a position in the Spanish navy if he would convert to Catholicism. Owen was greedy, however, and wanted to see how much he could get for the ship he had taken instead of turning it over to the Spanish crown. In order to decline the Spanish offer, he used the excuse that he was Protestant and could not convert to Catholicism. He then sold his ship and sailed back to England. The family was so upset by Owen's shenanigans that they erected a monument telling the story, hoping that it would serve as a warning to other ill-disposed lads. Owen, ever rebellious, refused to die in the traditional fashion, choosing to die peacefully in his sleep instead. Owen's grandson could not bear the shame; he adopted the "Thigpen" spelling of the name and sailed for the New World. This is a true story.

There are some Thigpens who are famous though not known by name. For example, the man featured in what has been called the greatest country song ever sung was a particularly romantic Thigpen. That is the story of great-uncle Clem and his love for Mable Lou McGowen. You have, no doubt, encountered many quotes, poems, or essays whose lives are due to "Anonymous." Many of you may think that Anonymous was an ancient Greek writer. Not so. Anonymous refers to a long line of Thigpens who were not quite sure how to spell their names.

This leads us to the present crop of Thigpens, and a bumper crop it is. I sprang up with a whole peck of brothers. Even as little sprouts, though, we were quite versatile. We grew up as pirates, cowboys, wild animals, knights, professional athletes, pioneers, sailors, and heroes of every war ever fought. Well, most of us did, anyway. One younger brother was reserved as something of a servant who waits upon the rest of the family's every need. He has never had any fun or adventure. The most exciting thing he ever does is listen to Simon and Garfunkel songs. My parents were thoughtful enough to have enough sons to allow for one such servant.

I myself graduated from college and immediately headed off to a land where my blond hair and blue eyes would be appreciated enough to land a decent job. Having done a lot of serious writing in school, and having a lot more to look forward to when I go back to school, I decided to start this blog to keep my serious writing skills in shape. My inspirations for this writing are Mark Twain and an uncle of mine who used to tell my brothers and I stories when we were seedlings. I plead with you not to go read Twain, because you will never come back to this blog. Go read some G.W.F. Hegel. You'll come back to me then.

I must say in all honesty that I am extremely proud of my family and my name. I would not change names with anyone. I'll hang on to it no matter how many times I have to repeat it and spell it for people I meet. I am not even planning on changing the spelling, though I am thinking about adding a descriptor to it. Something along the lines of TJ the Tedious Thigpen.

You now know me as well as my own mother. That was a very ambiguous sentence, so let me rephrase it. You now know me as well as my own mother knows me. Consider yourself a part of the family. Just remember what your proper manner of dying is now that you are one of us.