Touch Your Heart

Being something of a tropical island, it is in Taiwan's best interest to promote itself as a desirable tourist destination to those who find the idea spending time on a tropical island desirable. After all, Taiwan is a beautiful place. When it was discovered by Portuguese explorers in the sixteenth century, they draped over it the romantic title Ilha Formosa. Translated into English, this name is equally subtle and romantic--Beautiful Island. Due to Taiwan's tropical and beautiful nature, you will soon notice an intense advertising campaign designed to whisk you away from your comfortable homes on your next summer vacation and drop you into the burning bath of Taiwanese humidity. The good citizens of Glencoe, Minnesota have no doubt already noticed the striking new billboard over Pete's Paint & Pizza. It prominently features a group of three Taiwanese people with huge, gaping smiles. If one did not know better, one would think they are screaming in anger at some poor soul picking up a pizza. However, we are able to deduce that they are actually well pleased with life on a tropical island by the fact that two of the three have positioned their tightly balled fists directly below their chins and have thrust both thumbs high into the air. The third had tried to follow suit, but had been unable to resist the natural Taiwanese instinct to flash peace signs when taking a picture. Under the picture is this enticing plea:

Traveling At Taiwan!

Wonderfulness of beauty pleasure!

Tread in nice beeches [sic]! Swim on a shiny ocean!

Participate in lush vegetables! Throw down in palatable fruits!

Do not think that the fine folk of Glencoe will be the only be people to have their town graced with these masterpieces. I am told that in the next few weeks the the residents of Monowi, Nebraska; Yachats, Oregon; and Bucksnort, Tennessee can expect to enjoy the fruits of the Taiwan's tourism bureau soon.

Of course, no place can expect to draw hordes of visitors if it does not first concoct a catchy slogan. In this particular endeavor Taiwan has succeeded. Liberally scattered about the island are signs containing the name Taiwan colorfully splashed across the top. Under the name we find the phrase "Touch Your Heart." The real beauty of this slogan is that no one can be quite sure what it means. To name a couple of options, it may be either a declaration (Taiwan will touch your heart) or an injunction. When I first arrived in Taiwan, I took it to be the latter. Upon seeing the slogan, I would immediately place my hand over my heart in a reverential manner. Standing thus, I felt a strong urge to lustily belt out an anthem to the country. So great was this urge that, not knowing a Taiwanese anthem, I made one up and proclaimed it to the world. It followed roughly these lines:

Taiwan forever,

Standing in the sea!

We will cease never

To sing our praise to thee!

These lines were sung repeatedly to a tune that vaguely resembled both the CIU alma mater and the Russian national anthem. This seemed to be in the general spirit of anthems and relieved the pressure I was under to sing.

When these lines spontaneously burst forth from my lips, I had no idea what a hit they would become. After touching my heart and singing praises before numerous signs throughout the Taipei, the song caught on, and it is now enjoying its fourth straight week atop the charts with no sign of decreasing in popularity any time soon. During the recent election cycle, every candidate made the song a prominent part of their truck and scooter announcements that they paraded around the city(The elections are over now, by the way. Thank you for your support. I was elected to some post. I think I am now a county coroner, but I am not quite sure yet.). I am working on a techno version now that should go down in annals of music history as one of best pieces ever. They will never stop playing it in Eastern Europe.

However, a recent revelation has changed how I view the "Touch Your Heart" slogan. I now think it might be a declaration. The revelation came in the form of another slogan I found on a bike rental shop. This particular shop allows customers for a small fee to enjoy a jolly spin around the city on cheap bikes. The proprietors woo potential customers with the line "Fun The City!" At first I took this to be another injunction in which the noun "fun" had been changed into an imperative verb. Thus, it would carry the weight of a command for passersby to enjoy the town. After a moment's reflection, however, I realized that it was not an injunction but a declaration. It was a shortened version of the statement "You can have fun in the city." This makes sense. Taiwan is a small island with about 459,000,000 people and 510,000,000 scooters. Space is at a premium. The inhabitants of the island have learned how to economize space at every turn, even in their slogans. Why use seven words when you can use only three? Such is the brilliance of Taiwan. "Touch Your Heart", then, is a shortened version of "Taiwan Will Touch Your Heart." Heck, it might even be a shortened version of "Taiwan, The Beautiful Island, Will Touch Your Heart If You Come And Visit Us And Trod Upon Our Beeches." The genius of this ability to say so much with so few words should attract more visitors that ever. Who knows what all they are really saying with all that is written on their billboards?

Keep all of this in mind this year when you tune in to the Visittaiwan(touchyourheart)andleaveallyourmoney.com Bowl. I think it will feature a thrilling matchup between Dartmouth and Western New Mexico University (Go Mustangs!). The real highlight of the game, though, will be the mandatory halftime interview with the president of the bowl game.

Sideline reporter: Mr. President, why did you decide to get involved with a bowl game?

President of bowl: We is happy happy to has a bowl! Very Good! Come Taiwan! Have much bowls! Many funs! Tootle about in tropicalness of beauteous island!

Sideline reporter: I'm sure you're happy to have these two fine institutions in this game, and it has certainly been a fine game so far. What message would like to send to them as they go out there in the second half?

President of bowl: Cheer up!

Sideline reporter: Thank you so much. Before we go back to you guys in the booth, the president would like to sing us a song. Mr. President?

President of bowl: Taiwan forevers...

That will be my proudest moment.