Hitting the Stump

I have never meant for this blog to be one of the many political blogs that now proliferate the internet. While I may hold certain political views, I have always endeavored to dwell upon more important topics, such as hair, dancing typhoons, Chinese legends, and grapes. These are the topics that the majority of people around the world want to delve into, and fortunately, these are the topics on which I am most qualified to speak. However, my world seems to be now engulfed in elections, so I feel compelled to turn this blog's gaze upon the more trivial matter of politics. Yes, in a few days average man and woman will, by the press of a button, help to shape the course of world events. This is the time when you and I can let our voices be heard. I guess it does have its serious side. Who knows what the ramifications of our choices will be? With the state of the world as I write, these elections may be the most important in our lifetime. If I remember correctly, there are also some elections going on in America.

I am all fired up about the elections that will soon take place here in Taiwan. I have no idea who is running for what. In the end, it really doesn't matter. What really matters is the process of electing people and that we as responsible citizens get fully behind a candidate and use this time to express our stand on the issues dearest to us. I have found that the essence of running for office isn't much different here in Taiwan than back in the States. There are men and women making opaque promises and then demonizing their opponents for making what amounts to the same opaque promises. I find this to be the truly brilliant part of politics. Absolutely anyone can be a politician. Just promise something in a convincing tone and then condemn whatever comes out of the other guy's mouth.

In a campaign what really matters is how you get your "message" out there. Here in Taiwan, tissue packets are a popular way of doing this. Over the last few weeks, my mailbox has been filled with these packets. This is timely since it is getting colder and more people are getting sick. We will spend this fall blowing our noses all over candidates' platforms. I stated earlier that the essence of running for office is the same here as in the States. Nothing shows this more than the pictures of the candidates that found on these packets. There is, of course, the mandatory steely eyed look that shows this particular candidate has a determined eye on the future. Not to make the candidate appear too harsh, though, there is also the picture of him with a caring look while holding a little child. The combination of these two pictures assure us that he will be able to lovingly carry us into the future.

Another campaign approach that is popular here is to hire small trucks or even scooters with loudspeakers attached. These vehicles roam the streets blaring out the soothing tones of various candidates telling us why we should put them in office. I have a deep appreciation for these recordings, though I haven't an inkling as to what they say. Every time one passes me by I fill the air with hearty shouts of anger or approbation. I have ardently campaigned for these candidates on street corners. I have pleaded with passersby. I have cajoled old ladies and little children into supporting one person or another. I am just trying to do my part.

Having said that, my efforts in this campaign have left me feeling like I have not done quite enough. In a word, I feel empty. Thus, I have decided to throw my hat in the ring. I know it may be a little late in the game, but I think I might just have a chance. The reason I believe I have a chance is because I believe that the hard working people of this country will believe in a man who believes in something. And what I believe in is values. Of course, my opponents will say that they stand for values too, but no one is really sure which values they are talking about. Let me be perfectly clear about my values. I stand for the good values. What values are those, you ask? Let me be clear about this. When I say good values, I mean the values that the hard working people of this country hold to. I will work hard to preserve these values. I pledge to give you back your country. By my hard work, I will show you that I understand you--the hard working people of this country. This is what sets me apart and what makes me the only choice in this election; I believe in values and hard work. And I believe in you--the hard working people of this country. Now I ask you to believe in me, and when you believe in me you are really just believing in yourselves. You are believing in the hard working people of this country! You are believing in the values that you believe in! You are believing in getting this country back on track! You are believing in taking the power back from politicians and putting it in the hands of the hard working people of this country! Vote for yourselves by voting for me! Vote for your children! Vote for values! Vote for (insert mascot of your favorite team)!

Of course my opponent doesn't believe in anything. He is a nihilist. He doesn't believe in values. He doesn't believe in the hard working people of this country. He used to be a part of a secret cultic society bent on taking over the world, but he doesn't even believe that anymore. That was too much work for him. He has no character. I guess he doesn't believe in prosperity, either, because if he is elected no one will have any money. Our children will starve, and they will all come down with a new and deadly strain of influenza. So let's make sure he isn't elected! Don't vote for the devil! Vote for yourselves--the hard working people of this country!

This won't be my first foray into politics. Some of you will remember that I almost became governor of the State of South Carolina a few years ago. That was all quite by accident, however, and this time I am in dead earnest. If I could just figure out which country I want to hold office in.

Wherever I wind up running, one of the most prominent planks in my platform will be bringing back the things that once made us great but now lay inexplicably discarded by the wayside. For example, I will push through a bill that will put the dimmer switch back on the floorboard of your vehicle. Just this week during my school's Halloween spelling bee (because nothing says Halloween like a spelling bee) I realized another loss our society has sustained. We all had to dress up in costumes, and not wanting to spend any money on said costume, I raided the school's Halloween box and came away with a Viking hat with a wig attached and a red cape. Now, Vikings have gone by the wayside and that is indeed a loss in some ways. However, the real societal loss that this costume revealed to me is that of the cape. There was a time when capes and cloaks were all the rage, but some dull witted generation ditched them. These people are in the running for the title of "The Worst Generation." Every respectable gentleman should be able to wear a cape and rapier on the street. Once upon a time men were men. Once upon a time men wore capes. Let us return to these times. I will take us there (I now have a steely-eyed determined look). I will do this for our children (understanding, caring look). Follow me.